“It’s a good thing you’re doing.”

I haven’t written a blog post in a long time. I mean several months. I think I realized, at a certain point, that people are often looking for stories with a bow tied on them–clean and clear messages to go along with my adventures. I sort of ran out of those after the first few months. I don’t think my previous posts are inaccurate, but I think they may have lacked real context. In the past few months, I’ve built up a lot of things that I want to tell people, but I can never find the right way.

Today, though, I knew I had to address a particular issue. Let’s call this my first ‘public conflict resolution.’ Or maybe instead of ‘conflict,’ a better word would be ‘misunderstanding.’ I want to address a phrase that many people have said to me with great intentions.

If you’ve said this phrase, you’re not wrong.

You just don’t have the full story.

“It’s a good thing you’re doing.” I can’t count how many people have communicated to me some variation of this sentiment. They’re not wrong! Good things are happening here in Houston, and I’m a part of some of them. We’re growing relationships with our beloved neighbors, and it is good. We’re learning to speak to one another with love in our house, and it is good. We’re meeting a lot of people’s physical and spiritual needs, and it is good.

Honestly, though, sometimes the idea that I’m doing a good thing makes me a little sick. If good things are happening, it’s through God and certainly not through me. My side of this whole experience has really (really) been primarily about learning my own weaknesses. The real story of Mission Year is the story of my mess. My goodness is not even really a minor character in this story.

So here are some stories of my mess:

-Often, one of my housemates may do something that frustrates me. Typically, I react by shutting off emotionally or harboring bitterness toward them. On some rare occasions, I address the conflict and we work it out peacefully. God redeems the mess.

-Often, while playing dodgeball with the preteens at work, I become angry either because someone is cheating, is using disrespectful language, or they are simply playing too well. One time last week, I told an 11 year old boy, “you’re a dirty cheater!” Most times, God gives me the strength to offer a sincere apology. God redeems the mess.

-I can’t even begin to describe to you how often I complain. I am benefitting from some of the most extraordinary generosity I’ve ever heard of, I’m in perfect health, I’m young and capable, and I’m receiving opportunities to use music all the time. And I am never, ever satisfied. I am obsessed with my appearance and unable to look at God’s beauty instead of worrying about my own. Sometimes, when I walk home from work, I notice the sky and how it’s astonishingly decorated. I remember God is infinitely bigger than my wildest imaginings, and I forget about myself long enough to praise for a moment. God redeems the mess.

-I often volunteer to go grocery shopping on weeks when it’s not my turn. It looks like I’m trying to help out a teammate who is having a busy day. The truth is generally that I like having control over something, especially over money. I love bargain shopping. I love working out the puzzle of how to purchase all our needs on a small budget. On a good day, I am able to help bring home good food for my Houston family. Despite my ugly motivation, my team is served, and God redeems the mess.

I could go on for a long time about the things I am doing poorly and the ways God is showing me my weakness. The goal is for this revelation of my weakness to lead to transformation. And I strongly believe it is in many ways!

But it’s a messy thing we’re doing. That’s okay, because the point isn’t really for us to fix anyone or anything. The point is for us to follow where we believe God has called us. This experience has been one of the most formative and influential periods of my life because it’s showing me–in high definition–where my greatest weaknesses are, and how desperately I need God to step in and redeem my mess.

To be completely honest, the last thing I want is for people who love me to say, “it’s a good thing you’re doing.” That is a nicely tied bow on top of a pile of crap. What I really want is for people who love me to come alongside in some way and learn about the mess. Learn a little bit about how we’re trying to handle the mess. Learn my teammates’ names. Listen to the little stories about my day to day interactions. Soak in a little taste of this year, and understand that I’m being transformed, NOT transforming others. The best way for anyone to love me right now is to pay attention to some of what is going on. Walk with me a little bit, and understand that I can’t come back the same person (this is DEFINITELY for the better!). Ask some questions, and maybe try to relate to some of the challenges here. My hope is that God will use my process of transformation to draw other to Himself, but be assured that the “good things” I’m doing are hardly even part of this story.

Understand that my time in Houston is a story of change, of learning, of growth, of motion. Understand that it is not a journey from which I can return unchanged or unheard.